Rita, Sue and Bob Too  by Andrea Dunbar

Scene 1

The two girls had just finished baby-sitting and were on their way up. Bob, who they baby-sit for, was giving them a lift home in his car.
Bob Did the wife give you your baby-sitting money?
Sue / Rita (together) Yes. Why?
Bob Oh it's just that sometimes she forgets and I usually give them it.
Sue Well she didn't seem to forget this time.
Bob Anyway here's two quid, get yourselves some cigs. (Passing it over.)
Rita (hesitates) Are you sure? I mean your wife gave us a quid each.
Bob Course I'm sure. Here, take it.
Sue / Rita (taking it) Thanks a lot.
Bob It's a pleasure. (Pause.) Are you courting yet?
Sue Are we what?
Bob Courting, have you got boyfriends?
Sue No.
Rita I haven't either.
Bob I just thought two young lasses like you would be courting by now.
Sue Well you know what thought did.
Bob Who wants dropping off first?
Rita I do. If I'm late my mother'll have my brothers out looking for me.
Bob What a shame. I could have given you a ride round for half an hour.
Rita OK I'll stop out an extra half an hour. Drive past our house though, because I'll be OK if she's gone to bed.
Bob
(to Sue)
Will your mum say aught?
Sue No. She never says anything.
Bob What about your dad?
Sue He'll be in bed by now.
Bob I know your dad.
Sue How do you?
Bob Oh he's done a lot of jobs for me. We used to go to the same pub as each other.
Sue He's a bit of a cunt don't you think?
Bob I find him OK. Well what I've seen of him. I've not seen him in a couple of months now.
Sue Well I can assure you, you're not missing anything.
Bob Where do you wanna go?
Sue I'm not bothered.
Bob
(to Rita)
Is there anywhere you want to go?
Rita Well where can we go at this time?
Bob Not too many places.
Sue Just go anywhere then.
Bob Have you been round the moors?
Sue / Rita No.
Bob We can go round there if you want.
Sue Well go round there then, we're not fussy.
(To Rita.)
Are we?
Rita No.
Bob OK then the moors it is.
They all ride towards the moors in silence but as they get there Bob says –
Are you both a virgin?
Rita You what?
(Looking at Sue and laughing)
.
Bob Are you both a virgin?
Sue What do you want to know for?
Bob Just curious, that's all. Well are you?
Rita You're nosy aren't you?
Bob Nosy no. Curious yes. I often wonder what young lasses get up to nowadays.
Sue Well that's not much. 'Cause there's never nowt to do around here.
Bob You haven't answered my question. Are you or not?
Rita Yes, we both are.
Bob Oh.
Sue There, she's answered your question, is there owt else you want to know while we're on the subject?
Bob Yes. (Pulling car up on a dirt track.) Can either of you put a Durex on?
Sue What's a Durex?
Rita
(to Sue)
I think he means a rubber-johnny. (Laughing.)
Bob That's right.
Sue Well what you calling rubber-johnnys Durex for?
Bob Because Durex is the proper name for them.
Sue Oh well I didn't know.
(Sue starts laughing with Rita.)
I've never had any use for them.
Rita Nor me. Lads round our place buy them for a laugh and blow them up for balloons.
Sue Lads I know shove them through letter boxes to fellas that live by themselves, with a note saying 'Have you got any use for this?'
Bob Can you put them on? If I gave you one could you put one on?
Sue I wouldn't know what to do with one.
Rita And I wouldn't know how to put one on.
Bob Would you like to try?
Sue Not me.
Rita I don't want to either.
Sue You can just tell us. You don't have to show us.
Bob OK then I'll tell you. I just thought you might like to try for yourselves.
Rita No I don't think we should try.
Bob OK it's up to you. First you have to have an erection.
Rita A what '-tion'?
Bob An erection.
Rita
(to Sue)
What's that?
Sue I don't know.
Bob An erection is a hard-on. Do you know what a hard-on is?
Rita Yes.
Bob Well the proper term is called erection.
Sue Well instead of using the proper names, use hard-on and things like that. Because that's all we understand.
Rita Yes you should. We've never been taught words like erection and Durex.
Bob OK. First you need a hard-on, then you take the rubber-johnny, as you call it, out of the packet.
Sue Well you didn't think we thought you could put the packet on do you?
Sue and Rita laugh. Bob reaches into his pocket and gets a little packet out and opens it. It's a Durex.
Bob
(showing Sue and Rita)
This is what it looks like.
Rita What's it rolled up like that for?
Bob I'll tell you in a minute. The next thing you do is press the air out of the teat part with your thumb and finger.
(Showing Sue and Rita the teat.)
And when you've done that you just roll it on and that's why you get them rolled up.
Rita Why can't you just pull it on?
Bob Because they are very thin and could easily tear.
Sue What happens if it tears?
Bob It's no good then because the sperm can get out and fertilise the egg inside a woman.
Rita We haven't got eggs inside us. We're not ducks you know. (Laughing.)
Bob I know you're not, but every month –
Sue Wait a minute. You know them Durex, can they come off inside you?
Bob No. Now every month you develop eggs inside your ovaries, they then are released and travel down a tube. It's called a fallopian tube.
Sue A what tube?
Bob A fallopian tube. The egg travels towards the womb. And say you had sexual intercourse.
Rita (butting in) You mean 'have it off '?
Bob Yes. If you 'have it off ', the sperm will be able to fertilise the egg.
Sue What do you mean exactly when you say 'the sperm'?
Bob It's what a man ejaculates. 'Shoots his muck' you'd say. That's what you call 'sperm'. So it all works out that if there's a tear or a hole in a Durex …
Sue Rubber-johnny.
Bob Rubber-johnny then. The sperm can fertilise an egg so then the woman will be pregnant.
Rita Do rubber-johnnys stop you from getting pregnant then?
Bob Exactly. Hasn't nobody ever told you that?
Sue No. We learn what we find out from other people.
(To Rita.)
Don't we?
Rita Yes. We've learnt a bit at school but it's not much to go by. All we did was drawings of the male and female sex organs.
Bob Hasn't your mum and dad ever told you owt?
Sue No. Talk like that is dirty in our house. We haven't to say owt or we'll get a belt.
Rita I haven't got a dad and my mum never wants to talk about it. She always makes excuses.
Sue Anyway what have we stopped here for and what are we talking about rubber-johnnys for?
Rita Yeah. You was supposed to take us for a ride.
Bob I stopped because I just wanted to talk to you and find out more about you.
Sue What for?
Bob Well things aren't going too well with me and the wife.
Sue Won't she say nowt 'cause you didn't go back straight away?
Bob No. We hardly speak to each other, only when we get invited out of course. We talk but even then it's very limited.
Rita Well it doesn't look as though your marriage is going sour to me.
Bob Well it is. It's got reclining seats this car.
Rita Put one down and let's have a look.
So Bob puts one of the seats down and looks at Sue and Rita.
Bob What do you think then?
Sue Put yours down and all and we'll let you know.
So he puts the other down.
Rita It's just like a double bed.
Bob Try laying on it if you want.
Sue
(to Rita)
Might as well.
So Sue lies down and while she does, Bob also lies down and puts his arms around her.
Sue What do you think you're doing?
Bob Just holding you.
Sue I know that.
Bob Why, don't you like it?
Sue Yes I suppose so but why don't you do it to her?
Bob I will after I've finished with you.
Rita is in the back smiling at her friend. Then Bob starts to kiss Sue. She tries to talk while he's kissing her.He pulls his head away.
Sue God you don't waste no time do you!
Bob Well the quicker I've finished with you the quicker I get the next one.
Rita Are you gonna use one of those rubber-johnnys?
Bob No not one. Two. One for you and one for her.
Rita Are you sure you can manage two?
Bob You bet your boots I can. Now shut up and let me get on with it.
Sue / Rita Don't get your undies in a twist.
Bob I won't. Because they're coming off. (He tries to undo her zip.) Take your jeans off.
Sue Do I have to?
Bob Well I can't do anything with them on.
Sue Don't.
He carries on.
Bob Come on now, take them off.
Sue Do I have to? Can't I just leave them halfway down?
Bob No. Take them off. It's no good having them half-way down your legs, 'cause you won't be able to move.
Sue Well I tell you what. Instead of pulling them halfway down, I'll pull one leg.
Bob OK then. Do you want to put this on? (Holding a Durex.)
Sue No. You'd better do it.
Bob
(to Rita)
How about you?
Rita No not me. I'll just watch if it's all right.
Bob Whatever you wish. (He takes his underpants off.) Are you both watching?
Rita You'll have to turn round a bit. I can't see from here. (He turns round.) Jesus! It looks like a frozen sausage! (Laughing.)
Bob and Sue laugh.
Bob Right. I'm putting it on now. (He rolls it on after a bit of trouble.)
Rita I'm glad I didn't try that.
Sue So am I.
Bob Right. Lay down.
(To Sue. She lays down.)
Are you all right there?
(To Rita.)
Rita Yes.
Bob lays down with Sue. Rita watches as Bob takes Sue's knickers off one leg.
Rita Can you move all right?
Bob Yes. (Pause.) Can you take your jeans and knickers off? They keep getting caught round me legs.
Sue Oh OK.
Bob
(to Sue)
Shift your bum up a bit. I can't move my legs.
Rita (didn't hear) You what?
Bob I'm talking to Sue.
Rita Oh, I'm sorry.
Sue Can you move now? (Moving up a bit.)
Bob It's not much better but it'll do. (He kisses and fondles her.)
Rita Never mind that. Get on with it will you.
Bob
(to Rita)
I don't just want a wambam-thank-you-mam.
Rita Well how long will you be?
Bob As long as it takes. Now can you be quiet?
Rita OK. OK.
Bob Can you move your leg over to the right a bit, Sue.
Sue I'll try. (She moves her foot.)
Bob gets on with it. Rita sits in the back watching.
Rita What you doing now?
Bob Trying to get it in if you'll shut your mouth for a minute.
Rita sits back and doesn't watch. Bob carries on. Rita leans forward.
Rita Will you turn the radio on Bob, please?
Bob Oh for fuck's sake.
Rita I want to listen to it.
Bob tuts, gets up and turns it on. Hot Chocolate record begins – 'You Sexy Thing'.
Bob Are you satisfied now?
Rita Yes. There's no need to snap at me –
Bob Well what do you expect? You keep putting me off.
Rita Sorry.
Bob lays back down with Sue. Rita sits back and looks out of the window and starts to sing.
Rita Where you from, you sexy thing?
Bob
(pulling head up and looking at Rita)
Rita!!
Rita (turning round) What?
Bob Rita, if you don't shut up now, I'm gonna make you stand outside the car.
Rita I'm sorry but I'm bored.
Bob You won't be when I've finished here. If you be quiet and let me get on with it. If you want to have a long wait, carry on talking. It's up to you.
Rita Well go on then get on with it.
Silence for one minute. Bob moans and lifts his head up.
Bob Did you enjoy that Sue?
Sue Humm. Yeah.
Bob Right Sue, you get in the back and get dressed.
(To Rita.)
Come on moaning minnie.
Rita I'm coming.
(Getting nearer to Bob.)
Aren't you going to take that thing off? (On about Durex.)
Bob Will you take it off?
Rita What? With all that stuff inside?
Bob It won't hurt you. Come on take it off.
Rita No. I don't like the look of it. You take it off.
Bob OK. (He takes it off.) Here, throw it out of the window.
Rita Give us it here then. (He gives her it.) It feels terrible.
Bob Get it out of the window before you spill it all over. (She throws it out.) Right do you want to put this one on?
Rita I'll try.
Bob Here. (Handing it to her.) Roll it on, don't pull it or you'll tear it.
Sue You didn't let me put one on.
Bob I asked the pair of you earlier and you said no.
Sue Well you can let me try next time.
Rita Is it on right?
Bob You've put it on better than what I did when I first tried. (Pause.) Take your knickers off.
Rita takes her things off.
Rita You haven't got much room to do it in have you?
Bob Well that's all me and Sue had, but we managed it.
Rita I'm not complaining, I'm just saying.
Sue Will you get your head off my leg Rita – I can't move for you.
Rita I'm sorry.
Bob Come on now Rita, if you don't want to do it, just say so.
Rita I do want to do it.
Bob Well let's get on with it then.
Sue I should move your legs over a bit or they'll hurt like mad. (Pause.) Go on, get stuck in there Bob. (Pause.) What's that on your neck Rita?
Rita It's what Bob's just done. A love bite.
Sue
(to Bob)
Why didn't you give me one of them?
Bob I'll give you one next time.
Rita Can we go home now?
Bob Just let me get dressed first. Do you want to take this Durex off Sue?
Sue Move up here a bit then.
Bob moves up and Sue takes it off but drops it on Rita's leg.
Rita You dirty swine, just look at that.
Sue and Bob laugh.
Sue I'm sorry, I didn't do it on purpose, it was an accident. Honest. (Still laughing.)
Rita I'm gonna do that to you next time.
Sue Hurry up and get dressed.
Bob and Rita get dressed.
Bob Bye, I right enjoyed that, we must do it again some time.
Rita We sure will.
Sue Yeah.
Bob I'm going to spend a penny. I'll be back in a minute.
He gets out of the car and goes behind a wall.
Sue Do you think he believes we were a virgin?
Rita I don't know. Did you like it?
Sue Of course I did. Why, didn't you?
Rita Oh yes. He hurt me a bit at the first. I really like him though.
Sue If he hurt you, you should have told him to go steady.
Rita Well, apart from that everything went OK.
Sue I'll tell you what. My legs didn't half hurt after a few minutes of it. I keep having to move around.
Rita Do you think he'll bring us again?
Sue I don't see why not. He seemed to enjoy it a lot more than we did.
Rita His legs weren't half hairy.
Sue (looking out of window) Look at them johnnys on the floor.
Rita I wonder what Michelle would think. If she knew what was going on.
Sue Blow Michelle. Who cares about her?
Rita He's taking a long time. I wonder where he's gone.
Sue Shall we go and see?
Rita No, let's stay here.
Sue What do you think of him then Rita?
Rita I think he's great. He can't half go like the clappers.
Sue I know. (Pause.) He's certainly not straight on and off. One thing's for sure, he certainly gives a lass a good time.
Rita I hope he brings us here again.
Sue Oh he will. Make no mistake about it.
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